There used to be stars of hope,

Lighting up my night sky of dreams.

It used to be so magnificent, so awe-inspiring,

That i would get lost in the skies, dreaming like the dreamer i am.

I would hope, and pander after these stars.

I would lust for these stars, so bright and beautiful they are.
But when i near them, i realized that their brightness illuminated another truth: I was never fated for them.

No matter how close, how close i reach the proximity of them,
they will always go away.

Maybe, because they already belong to another dreamer, fast as he is.
Or maybe, the work of fate tears us apart, leaving us on different worlds.

But one thing is certain -- from these days onwards, my night sky stayed dark. My dreams turned into nightmares that haunt me throughout the days.

And it will only grow darker.

i need a reason.

why? why? WHY?

i looked through my old chat logs from MSN;

really it's like a view through the looking glass --- how everything was all nice (well maybe not that nice. but still), how relationships with people had been..much more than what it is now.

and retrospectively,
how people change. even in the short span of 1 year.
perhaps, how i've changed.
this heart is no longer that of 2008.
i missed that time. i missed that age. i missed the good old times.
now mates of that time have grown distant.

Where are the good old outings?
everyone has their new aims, their new cliques, their new goals, new everything; but what about the old ones? forgotten, ignored, taken for a stranger on the street.(or maybe a "hi".)

But do you find a strange awkwardness in your conversations?
Something preventing it from lasting more than say a minute before you have nothing to say?
Or when his/her other friend come over and drag him away?

what've changed? me or them?
why is it that everything in the past felt so good?
I remember how, in 2008, i felt that there will be better happenings in 2009. "It's JC!" But as life teaches us, life doesn't get better. Only worse. What used to be long random conversations with friends on MSN, dwindles down to a few "hey i am busy now" or "gtg soon" or when you say "hello!" you get a "This contact has went offline/busy/away" or just blank white. Just like how you feel when you talk to yourself.

Are friends really Fungible? i.e. replaceable, substitutable things akin to old furniture that we throw out at new year? Why? What has gone wrong?

on hindsight, life does get worse.

Friends become acquaintances and slowly become mere friends of benefits. Interpersonal relationships take on impersonal formats. Bonds of friendship become mere investment for future gains.

People change. I accept that. But i hate to be the target or recipient of this change. I want to stay status quo. I wanted to.

Now everything is gone. Old friends. People i used to joke to. Now strangers who don't talk to each other.

Leaving me all alone.
In the wake of Christmas,
in the imminent dawn of a new decade,
Questioning in disbelief: "What the fuck went wrong?"

-----------------------

i really missed talking to you.

life is like a burst of fireworks.

It begins magnificently, and everyone sees brilliance in their eyes.

Then it begins to fade away. Withers.

Moments later, there is nothing left but the emptiness of the dark skies.

lost to the winds, gone to the oceans.

nothing is left.

nothing but despair and sorrow and disappointment.

aand it's 2 more days to a new decade.

aaaaand a random list of quotes.

"In the movies the nice guys get the hot babes. In real life it's the pricks." - Youth in Revolt, Michael Cera

"If you mean that guys should be the opposite of nice, then no, I disagree. I would however say that guys shouldn't be TOO nice. If a guy teases a girl, it's usually a sign - to her, especially - that he likes her. However, if a guy is JUST nice then she's never going to fancy him. It's too boring. He needs something else, like being funny, witty, charming..." random post off FML.

because if you are nice.. you get a ..

"Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me."" - FML anon.

and then you get.."Once you're in the friend zone, you're on the downhill slope."

so message of the day:
Life Lesson learned: "you're an idiot. girls don't like boringly nice guys."

Never realised that doing maths on the MRT is more effective than trying to do maths at home.

As a new year looms, are we all ready for more depressions, more deaths, more suicide bombings, more failures and more doom in general? (;

In addition, it is also the new decade for those still living happily in the 00's. We are now GOING TO BE OFFICIALLY in the '10s.

Our decade will be remembered for:
-retarded lolcat, rickroll and various other youtube videos
-kanye west crashing others' moments at the VMA '09
-Paris Hilton
-The decline of quality of literature following Twilight's birth (oh the horror)
-Bush and his non-existent terrorists
-The economic slump
-The birth of the internet as serious business (take a look at garena - also, birth of retards who can only scold others' mums and call them dog)
-Birth of people who camp away at the Computer as a viable alternative to reality
-Global Warming and going green (it is hip to be green!)
-First Black President
-The beginning of the End of Creativity as the focus on "Commercial Hits" become more and more. $ > Brains.
-The continued existence of people living in fantasy of living in company with Edward or DBSK or SNSD
-The general decline of the human race.

So yea, happy new decade. Let's usher in more human idiocy, because you know the crescent moon is forever laughing at us.

--------------------------
What does it take to trust?

Why do we trust?

Humans are weird creatures to believe in the simple, empty capacities of words.

It is so easy to act trustworthy, easy to call himself/herself a friend, and easy to manipulate your trust. Of course, you have to trust to a certain extent to get around this world, but never let your distrust cup go empty.

..Or the world will pounce on you while you are asleep and you will wake up in Hell.

It's another sunday,

where the world's supposed to be happy,

where the flowers are in full bloom,

where people's hearts are warm and nice..

except it's not.

---

Popular culture has blurred our expectations of romance and what to expect from this world.
Almost every story has an ending where the two characters end up together, where each finds their own ideal partner in the other. This is in turn fed by the public's demand for happy endings. This goes in a circular reasoning and becomes a spiral of delusions and fantasizing. (take twilight fans for example.)

Granted that showbiz thrives on feeding off people's fantasies, it stil goes too far in blurring the lines between reality and fantasy in my opinion. It has raised the bar of what's considered "suitable" for a loved one, or who you'll consider as a partner.

The real world obviously ain't that nice and fluffy, and there's no marble-cold white-skinned avatar of Adonis for you to adore and worship. (I bet there'll be a temple for him immediately if he really pops into existence. let's not talk about Pattinson, alright? )

The real romances of the world involves not just nice flowery language and people do not just survive on love alone. The real world involves money, and interests. Sure, you can survive on fluffy love for a few years, then you realise that if you don't get a better job she's still going to leave you.

As they say, "life is a bed of roses." And you do remember that roses have thorns aye?

Nowadays, people seem to forget that and believe that they can find true love, that they can find their "one." This usually means a hot tall handsome guy with lots of money and a bottomless well of love for you.

Okay, now give yourself a slap. Are you still dreaming? How many people fit the above criteria? If so, how many are single? From there, how many do you think will like you?

For those people on cloud nine, it's time to fall back to Earth. The "dream one" you want is only the 0.000001% of the population of the world.

Look at that guy next to you, he may be normal, he may not be that handsome, he may not be part of DBSK, he may not be called edward or be a vampire, but he is there for you. You don't have to choose him, but look at him. Give that poor guy a chance.

You aren't exactly SNSD level either.

if our wars, our struggles,

our cries, our fights,

against fate,

all end in a humiliating futility,

why do we fight?

perhaps it is in my blood to seek pain,

to seek the thrill of the hunt,

even if i will get dismembered by the very thing i sought to hunt.

contemplative thought processes are the way to go.

Food For Thought:

why are we always unsatisfied with what we have?

As a child, we pander after tangible luxury goods such as PS1, XBOX, Gameboys, PSPs... etc. That is easily obtainable as we earn more money. However, as we grow older, our hearts begin to crave intangible unattainables as well. We want companionship, we want love, we want friends. We begin to feel lonely. We get jealous of those who have them and constantly hope to achieve these intangibles.

Yet for the lucky people out there (unfortunately i am unlucky) who got what they want, they begin to thirst for more. More excitement. More fun. "Why is he so boring? Why is he so nice to me? Why can't he understand?" The good things are always near us, but as if in our blood, humans tend to forgo the easily obtained and go for the hard-to-get, "catch-me-if-you-can" things in life. We forgo the normal but friendly girl who has a thing for you for that girl-next-door type who is hot but obviously NOT into you.

We are blessed with logic, but unfortunately most of the time emotivism takes the lead in our decision making processes. We play into our hunter's hand.

We believe we are hunters, searching for these unobtainables, but in actuality we are walking right into their traps. We then realise we are not exactly at the top of the food chain.

Then we turn back, hoping to see those who had been waiting for you all along. They are no longer there.

They realize how stupid they were to be so open and available. They learn to dress up. They learn to flirt. They learn to be more of an asshole than they ever thought they'll be. They get their love, their fun, their excitement.

And in the end we are left alone to think, "What happened to all the nice guys in this world?"

Well, the answer, my dear sir, is "you."

As it seems, life goes on a steep downwards slope.

Everything gets worse and worse and snowballs into a wreck.

yes it's a wreck.

At the end of the line, death awaits us.

You can escape, you can run, but you cannot hide.

Everyday, we think "oh, how i wish life gets better."

But no, life doesn't listen to your wishes. or probably don't give a damn about your wish anyway.

here's a case study of a typical life.

At birth, we feel the most bliss. As an innocent life form born out of your mother's womb, you feel the care, the warmth, the love that all typical babies get. You feel the love. And that's because you don't know what Life is. You may know the game of Life, but no, that's not life.

For the first 7 years of life, colloquially known as stage 1, you spend your days playing, going to preschool, knowing nothing at all about the world, and generally getting the aww's from everyone who know you. Your parents forgive you for mistakes you make. Your grandparents are still alive. You are the luckiest person in the world, or so you thought.

Your first step into life is when you take that first small step into your elementary school. You realise that, for the first time in your life, your mum scolds you and refuses to forgive you if you fail a test. You are punished. You are forbidden to watch TV. You can't touch your toys. You are indoctrinated that you will study and become a "man of the society" in the future. You are taught that doctors, lawyers and engineers will become rich and you should aim to become them. You get your first taste of capitalism here: only the rich will survive. You study and cry, and study more. You may emerge a victor or a normal person. You make friends that you think will last forever. You meet bullies who you are so afraid of you would ask your mother to protect you from.

But anyway, you still think that hey, life is still good! my parents are there to protect me. I can't wait to go to junior high school! Life may be slightly unsettling, but i am sure the bullies will disappear right? I have my best friends from primary school anyway!

Well, you are wrong.

As you step into Stage 3 of the Big Cosmic Game of Life, you realise that shit just gets worse. The old kiddy bullies are gone. Now comes the real bullies. If you get targeted, expect to be the bullseye, the one that everyone laughs at, jokes at, and show utter disrespect at. You realise that tests aren't that easy as compared to primary school anymore. You realise that your parents don't protect you that much anymore. You are grown up now. You don't want to rely on your parents. You don't want to be seen as the mummy boy. You realise a growing gap between you and your parents. You may have already witnessed a loss of a dear one. Your primary school friends found their own cliques in their new schools. You feel alone. You feel lost. You begin to lose hope in the world. But still, you believe that life will probably get better. Teenage angst typically arises here. Slitting of wrists or having a unbelievably long fringe happens at this phase too.

You've reached phase 4! Congratulations on coming thus far. More shit is in store for you. You realise that Junior High was mere child's play once you step into the high school. Bullying doesn't disappear. Instead it finds a new medium. No more beatings. No more harsh language. It goes to a whole new level They stalk you on the net, cursing you, laughing at you, or mobillize groups of friends to spread the word. You are pretty much alone in the world. People you knew fell sway to their words, and ignores you. You ask "why is life so screwed up?" You get lesson number 2 here: This is society, where betrayals and distrust plagues the human heart. Why trust? You will get backstabbed, frontstabbed, and then tossed into a river somewhere near the school. okay, maybe not the river part.

School becomes harder and harder, yet to be that "man of the society" you so endeavored for in your childhood, you fight. You study and study, for subjects you probably won't even look at a few years down the road, just for that job you always wanted.. until you realized, studying now won't help. Those jobs were decided from birth. You either had it, or not, or you could study really really really really impossibly hard to get that job anyway. You realise that society had a hierachy, and most unfortunately, you aren't on top. You are probably the normal guy who will end up being the secretary or the clerk of that rich, influential guy sitting next to you in class being the smart rich and gifted person he is. Face life lesson number 3: You don't decide where you stand in the world. The world decides where you stand, from that you in that tiny egg.

yes. i mean it.

You can say you are fighting destiny, but more likely, Destiny is having his dinner now and laughing at you through a camera in the sky about how futile your actions are.

Then there's always the love life, if it even exists. You find that girl you like, and attempt to ask her out. Of course, being nice, open and always available can be disturbing to a girl. She repeatedly give you lame excuses my 3 year old niece could come up with, like "busy now, how about next time?", while actually all she means is "go away. i am so not going out with you." But of course, being the hopeful guy you still are despite all the crap you faced in this world, you believe it. You believe in the "next time". Even if you don't believe in it, you desperately hope for it to be real. You hope. and hope. until you hear rumours spread that the girl actually had that asshole next class for a boyfriend all along, yes all along while you were asking her out. You know, that guy who was part of the bullies, or that gang of people who snubbed the rest? yea, him. And she doesn't even tell you. You, the nice guy, got defeated by an asshole. Yea, how's that for asshole. Here, we reach life lesson #4: Nice guys get laid aside. Assholes get laid. and incidentally, lesson #5: True nice guys always lose. Be an asshole sometimes.

Now you lose hope in life. People you believed before are no longer worthy of trust. You realise that all your "friends" are really just acquaintances that really don't give a damn about you once your utility is up. You are faced with a void for sociability and an F for grades. (also an F for life.) So what would you do now? You do what humans do best: when they Fail, they Always Talk about HOPE, otherwise known as FAT HOPE. yes. you hope for a better tomorrow, even though apparently throughout 17 years, your hope seemed to have gotten your life worser.

You graduate from High School and reach tertiary level and beyond. Congratulations. You are officially in this shithole called Life. You have reached Level Capitalism. You realise that all that money you've been spending all this time were hard earned cash, and that you got to start working to earn them. No more feeding of money. You realise that that car you always wanted, that Lamborghini or Porsche, from young, costs about 400 thousand, or colloquially known as "more money than you will ever earn in life." you reach the dark spot in life. You are lost. Your relatives start to die off. Your parents, the only ones you could have ever trusted with all your heart despite all the quarrels you had, begin to leave you. You regret all the shit you have done to them, all the late night quarrels over mundane things. You wished you treated them better. You see those who have succeeded reach the highest pinnacle in life, as you watched from the valley of despair. You, who always thought yourself as the main character in life, have always merely been a supporting character, "student A" per se, who will never become something.

Life just gets worse and worse. You reach the peak of despair, while that asshole in front of you in class reaches the peak of success. He is rich, you are poor. He has the hot loving wife, you know, that girl who in a most unneccessarily roundabout manner rejected you using "busy" as an excuse. Yea. While you lay in the slums. Drunk. Alone. Jobless. With no future. A failure indeed.

In your drunken stupor, a beam of light catches your eye and you realize, albeit too late, that your whole life have been an example of life lesson #6. Life DOES NOT get better.

Life is only a passage unto death. A lullaby of sorrow that reaches a crescendo of pain, as you lose everything, your love, your friends, your family, all to the endless void. Then you lose your mind to that capitalist society. You become a follower of the religion called Money. You work hard to earn the grace of money. You believe that you control money, but ultimately fail to realize that it has been money who had always been controlling you.

You fall into a spiral of madness, disorientation and delusions as you reach your ultimate end. Maybe you were lucky enough to not reach the final phase of life before dying. You could die with some hope in you. But if you reincarnated, you would not have learnt your lesson. For most people, we would have experienced the full force of life, and in the midst of it realise all the life lessons that we learn.

We are ultimately pawns of our own mind. We play the game of life thinking that we are in control, that we control the king and queen of life, but in reality, you are really just that pawn who will be first to die in a battle.

what more to spend christmas with..

than yourself and yourself alone?

and a pizza meal for 3 people that you eat alone?

or watching tv alone?

using the computer alone?

doing homework alone?

emoing alone?

and basically everything you can do.. alone?

--

what significance do we play in our world?

we are just 1 speck of dust in the whole cosmos.

realize that and shed your egoistic hide away, people,

because no matter how great you may think you are,

we really don't care.

it's going to be a lonely christmas again as usual.

what can i say, i fail.

after 17 years, you are still a failure, my dear sir.

you have not made one step forward.

forever trapped in that swirling mass of depression and damnation.

that childishness.

wake up and realise that the world is not any better now.

and that it will not get better.

not tomorrow.

not 10 years down the road.

not ever.