thinking too much.

everything seem to be so bleak.

everything seem to be so dark.

everything seem to be out of reach,

everything seem to be out of grasp.

i lost sight of all dreams, goals and aims.

i just want an answer.

It's not going to work out eugene.

It's not going to work out.

nothing's ever going to work out for you.

nothing. ever.

you are just an empty shell of a human.

you lack so much, missing so much,

yet think you have so much.

you are gullible and stupid to fall for the same trap over and over again.

you are stupid for thinking everything is so easy.

you disgust me.

i don't see why it has to be so hard.

why are you the only one suffering from such shit?

damn you eugene.

damn you.

what is the worth of my life?

if the weight of my heart is 7 pounds, am i merely that?

i want to throw away everything,

fuck this.

what is the fucking problem with my life.

i face rejection everywhere.

where do i stand in this fucked up world?

Once upon a time,

Someone told me that if i expressed my feelings,

It will definitely get returned.

It will be reciprocated.

It will be understood.

There will be a response.

But now i realize,

if i express my feelings,

it opens me up to an onslaught of manipulation and mind-control,

that it exposes my vulnerabilities,

and that i would not get any answers either way.

Just roundabout-around-the-bush words,

that i don't understand,

and i would only get false feelings,

post-emotions,

rationalized answers to my pursuit.

They don't reject because they attempt to put off a "nice" feeling,

it only twists my heart more.

i don't know anything anymore.

finally done with my ki proposal 2.

bleh.

----------------------

Have you ever felt that emotions in this society is a mere construct?

We say "hi" not because we want to sincerely say hi to that person, but rather because it would be awkward not to. It's against social norms to do that.

When we see death, we cry. But is it really because some stranger died? No, it's because society mourns death and so should you.

Society is a controlling force for our emotions. We have rationalized emotions til it is nothing but a shadow of its former glory, a tool for us to manipulate.

Feelings of love as well may be manipulated by the other, as so many people could testify to.

Have that crush on someone? Well if she acts "hard-to-catch", you will be playing right into her hand. She will give you ambiguous answers, and generate more such emotions of amour from you so that she can further manipulate you. Contacting you when she has a need for you. Ignoring you when it doesn't concern her anymore. Or not replying your messages because she can care less about you when it's not in her interest. Man unfortunately are usually irrational when it comes to emotions de amour. We will be hooked into walking that very path of self-ruination.

Steel your heart, because everyone is merely manipulating you.

Why do we continuously deceive ourselves that we are needed by the other?

Is it for our ego who can't take the simple fact that people are using us?

When they call you if they have something on they need your help with,

and ignore you once your interests are no longer aligned with theirs.

Or is it merely because we want to HOPE for something otherwise,

despite evidence showing that we are obviously deceiving ourselves actively.

Self-deception is not only prevalent in relationships but in the whole moral framework of the society.

Why do we act "morally" or "right"?

It's because people are there to observe and perceive us, and fear of stigmatization forces us to act in the moral conventions of society.

We are in effect deceiving ourselves that something is right, despite our thoughts otherwise.

Innate moral values in people has died out.

We act in our own interests to satisfy social conventions.

Where are our virtues?

It is but replaced by simple egoism in modern society.

How sorrowful.

The fall of the great Human Race down the slope of oblivion.

I am again reminded of the reasons why i don't try.

when there's no trying involved,

no one has to get hurt.

Especially in particular, I won't get hurt.

what a messed up life i am living now,

That foil of human essence we call the mind is no longer functional.

i have barely accomplished anything,

and i see no value in my life.

i have nothing to be motivated about;

now that i lost my soul, my heart and my mind,

i am no longer inclined to do anything.

i am tired and worn out.

even before i step out into the more vicious world out there.

what can i rely on?

why should i try when i will fail?

why am i born into this destined path?

why do some others have that flair i am so lacking in?

there are too many questions and no answers.

i cry in pain.

Another week crawls to its eventual demise.

A star or two may have shone up on my sky,

or they may just be man-made satellites,

trying to throw me off course and give me false hopes.

-------------------------------------------------

Independent study for KI is so fun.

"Trust is an integral part of mankind and society, being invoked in common day-to-day dealings as well as being an irreplaceable component of social relationships. However, hardly does one think beyond the superficial to question the value of trust. Trust, while admittedly mutually beneficial, can be potentially dangerous.

To trust is usually to entrust your emotions, feelings or physical belongings to someone, exposing our vulnerabilities and weaknesses to the other. To trust is to risk betrayal of that very trust. Why then, do people continue to trust? Why do people continue to put trust into uncertainty? Does one have to always be rational, even in trusting others? What are the implications? "

because i am feeling lazy today, this excerpt from my proposal draft 1 shall serve as filler to the blog post.

Cinderella Happily Ever After.

"Have the gates of death been revealed unto thee? or hast thou seen the gates of the shadow of death?" Job 38:17

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Cinderella was exhilarated.

After much ordeal, She tied the knot with Prince Charming and had just spent their nuptial night months ago. She could vividly remember everything and how it unfolded.

The warm breeze of summer. The crisp humid air of the palace. The jerking of the bed. The birds and the bees.

"What a night it was!", she giggled, almost dreamily, as she recounted the night's events again. "If only he was here now."

She dearly missed her Prince. With the fairy godmother's disappearance after her "happily ever after", the Prince was really the only one in her life. She loved him so dearly, his ivory white skin, his lush blond hair, his charming smile, his deep blue eyes. To her, he was the incarnation of Adonis itself, the epitome of beauty. Some may say her love was to the point of obsessiveness. But love it was.

Pure ardent love.

Cinderella giggled, seemingly dazed, again at the thought of her beloved prince. "Oh when will my Dear come back?"

-----------------------------------------

Prince Charming had left the country on a diplomatic mission to nearby kingdoms, in order to persuade and mediate an alliance amongst the great nations of the land. It had been two months ago, when Cinderella, all teary and sniffing, bade him au revoir at the Palace Gates.

At that point, she did notice something wrong with the Gates. As though the Sun in high noon cast a menacing shadow. Something that stirred the depths of her heart. But she ignored it. But stayed the shadow did. Akin to an omen.

She struggled to forget about it.

--------------------------------------

Prince Charming was guilty.

He had betrayed her wife's trust only few weeks after their marriage and holy vows.

The solemn promises of faithfulness. Broken like fallen glass.

He had fallen prey to hedonism and lust. The pursuit of happiness in its basic, carnal form.

"Oh how am i going to face Cinderella?", he groaned.

He was lonely. After a month in a harsh foreign land, even dignified souls could crumble and scatter to the darkness, lost to the winds. Politics was tough business to the Prince. He was simply not cut out for it. He was stressed and about to collapse from his failures in negotiation.

She was there for him. His maidservant.

The only familiar face amongst the court intrigue and politics he was entwined in.

Her comforts and whispers were what kept him going. Her soft touch and words of encouragement was what fueled his soul.

He tried to resist, but succumb he did,

To the carnal pleasure and sins of Man.

As the shadows of high noon watched on.

--------------------------------------
Cinderella was worried. Her prince had not returned in two months. She decided against warning to embark on a search for her dear beloved.

Past the gates. The sun hung high as noon approached, and that ominous shadow loomed above Cinderella. But she ignored it. She was only keen on finding her prince.

Her prince.

She reached the neighbouring kingdom in due time.

Past the doors and corridors of an unfamiliar palace.

Past the guards and maids.

Outside of the Prince's door.
Only to hear moans. cries of ecstasy.

To see her Adonis become an animal.

An animal she had not seen since their nuptial night.

Except.

She was not the mate.

---------------------------------------------

Cinderella gloated, her face contorted.

Her eyes were manic globes of crimson red.

Bloodstained dress,

shivering hands.

giggles more. "Oh when will my dear come back."

"My dear belongs only to me."

She dropped the fruit knife, now caked with red liquid.

Then she burst into more laughter. This time riddled with insanity.

In the vicinity, a maid (or what remains of the maid) laid in an impossible position. Legs bent at awkward angles, stab wounds at every major tendon. Headless.

She jumped onto the bed, embracing a bloodied lifeless doll. Cuddled it. Kissed it. Played with it.

Void of expression, it lay cold, dead.

A lifeless doll of ivory white skin, lush blond hair and blue eyes.

The Sun hung high up in the sky, as the shadows of death covered the foreign palace.

Cinderella giggled, seemingly dazed, again at the thought of her beloved prince. "Oh when will my Dear come back?"


----------------------------------------
And it went happily ever after.


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I know this story sucks. i wrote it on a whim and half asleep okay?

gazing up at the crescent moon,
i smiled, hummed a melodious death tune.
towards that sky where darkness loom,
i sang a song of foretold doom.
Enraptured by the charm of death,
descending slowly into that cleft.
longing silently for an end,
but not until the night is spent.

--------------------------------------

3 days left to the beginning of Hell.

Welcome to the brand new year, with brand new pain and brand new suffering.

We have in store for you, the biggest game in your life.

The hunt for knowledge begins now.

A levels - Are YOU ready?

Let the game begin.