i looked through my old chat logs from MSN;

really it's like a view through the looking glass --- how everything was all nice (well maybe not that nice. but still), how relationships with people had been..much more than what it is now.

and retrospectively,
how people change. even in the short span of 1 year.
perhaps, how i've changed.
this heart is no longer that of 2008.
i missed that time. i missed that age. i missed the good old times.
now mates of that time have grown distant.

Where are the good old outings?
everyone has their new aims, their new cliques, their new goals, new everything; but what about the old ones? forgotten, ignored, taken for a stranger on the street.(or maybe a "hi".)

But do you find a strange awkwardness in your conversations?
Something preventing it from lasting more than say a minute before you have nothing to say?
Or when his/her other friend come over and drag him away?

what've changed? me or them?
why is it that everything in the past felt so good?
I remember how, in 2008, i felt that there will be better happenings in 2009. "It's JC!" But as life teaches us, life doesn't get better. Only worse. What used to be long random conversations with friends on MSN, dwindles down to a few "hey i am busy now" or "gtg soon" or when you say "hello!" you get a "This contact has went offline/busy/away" or just blank white. Just like how you feel when you talk to yourself.

Are friends really Fungible? i.e. replaceable, substitutable things akin to old furniture that we throw out at new year? Why? What has gone wrong?

on hindsight, life does get worse.

Friends become acquaintances and slowly become mere friends of benefits. Interpersonal relationships take on impersonal formats. Bonds of friendship become mere investment for future gains.

People change. I accept that. But i hate to be the target or recipient of this change. I want to stay status quo. I wanted to.

Now everything is gone. Old friends. People i used to joke to. Now strangers who don't talk to each other.

Leaving me all alone.
In the wake of Christmas,
in the imminent dawn of a new decade,
Questioning in disbelief: "What the fuck went wrong?"

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i really missed talking to you.